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About Pastor Dan

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Ed.'s Note: Pastor Dan is off making some home visits this Thursday. His dog Patch is filling in for him for the week. Here he gives a dog's-eye view of the past week, including Dan and Jen’s recent trip to Wisconsin.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like to play.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like to go on long car rides. Especially when I can sit on Mommy or Daddy’s lap.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like to give Mommy kisses when she's driving. Daddy thinks this is "unsafe." Do you think it’s unsafe? Do you know what unsafe means? I don't.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like to sniff at the pet exercise areas on the turnpike. I like to sniff and sniff, and sometimes I like to run and run and run. Then I sniff some more. Sometimes I do other things, but the bad old editor says this is a "family column," and he won’t let me talk about them. Do you like "family columns?" Do you? Do you like doing other things? I knew you would.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like how Gary, Indiana, smells. I like rendered meats and petrochemicals.

Hi. My name is Patch. I think rush hour in Chicago stinks.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like new places. I liked Grandpa Phil's house. I liked the lady who gave me pets, and I liked the blond-haired girl who let me sleep in her bed and I even liked that one boy who I followed around. I did not like the other dog at Grandpa Phil's. He tried to give me humpies.

Hi. My name is Patch. I don't like humpies. Do you like humpies?

Hi. My name is Patch. I like my Mommy and Daddy. I was very sad when they went away. Why did they go away? I waited by the door for them for hours and hours, until my Grandpa Phil came home. But they never came back. I missed them so much.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like my Grandpa Phil. He gives me food to eat, and lets me sleep in his lap. He’s a good alpha dog. I don’t quite remember who my alpha dog was before Grandpa Phil, but I don't think they gave me nearly enough food or love. Grandpa Phil gives me lots of food and love.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like running around in the grass. I like running. It isn't nearly so much fun when you run into the garage door, though. Bad garage door, bad!

Hi. My name is Patch. I like being with people. I don't like it when they lock me up in my crate. Grandpa Phil and the lady who gave me pets said they had to go to a "wedding," just like Mommy and Daddy. What’s a wedding? That Joey said he had to go to a Homecoming. What's a Homecoming? And the blond-haired girl said she had to go work. I know what work is. That's what Mommy and Daddy go to in the morning. When they come home at night, they complain about it all night long. Bitch, bitch, bitch, Daddy says. I look and I look, and I can't find any female dogs around, so I'’m not really sure what he means. Sometimes I go to work with him, and I think it's all right. There's a place under the desk to sleep, and little bowls of water to drink. And sometimes we go out in the back yard where Daddy works and make...[Ed.'s note: I told you, this is a family column!] I like work.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like it when people come home. First Grandpa Phil and the lady who gave me pets came home, and then that Joey came home, and he let me sleep in his bed. Then the next day my Mommy and Daddy came home! I like Mommy and Daddy! Well, I like Mommy, anyway. I’m not sure if Daddy or Grandpa Phil come after Mommy in the pack order, so I'll stay away from Daddy for a while. Mommy and Daddy said they had fun at the "wedding," but they looked really tired. They must have been thirsty, too, because they drank a lot of water. Then they left again, to have dinner without me. But I didn't mind, because I got to stay and sit on Grandpa Phil's lap some more. Grandpa Phil said he was sick, but I didn't seem him throw up once. He even smiled when a "football game" came on. Do you like "football games"?

Hi. My name is Patch. I like car rides. I get to sleep in the back seat, and the car goes rrrrrrrrrrrr-rrr-rrr-rrrrrrrrrrr.. It makes me very sleepy.

Hi. My name is Patch. I think traffic in Chicago sucks, even when you take the long way around.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like how Hammond, Indiana smells.

Hi. My name is Patch. I like having picnics in Ohio. There's always so much to sniff in Ohio. I like the treats that Mommy drops when she thinks Daddy's not looking. I like having nice, soft grass to make...[Ed.'s note: Look, I’m not going to tell you again...]

Earl? Hey Earl? Heya bird, hey Earl Grey. TWEETSCREAM Greyearlgreybirdy! Hey. Up?
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